There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
