You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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