marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
