Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
