i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
