Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
50% drunk capacity currently
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
