When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So squirting runs in the family.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
