You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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