stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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