had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize