I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
