He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We're too hungover to prance.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
