I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
