I accidentally had phone sex last night
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
