Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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