Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
