Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
