I can tuck mytits in my pants
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You took a bar mat shot.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
