Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i think i have two assholes
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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