why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
