New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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