Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
