I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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