After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
