I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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