i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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