quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
