either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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