hell yes lets make some ravioli
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
