found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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