he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
