meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm too high and old for this...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
