It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
