I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
