Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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