Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
