One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
is wine microwaveable?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
