All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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