The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
