he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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