On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
