I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
