im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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