yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize