My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
