If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
