It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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