Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
