I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
