So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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