she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
