idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
