Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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