I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
