***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
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