I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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