If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How does one acquire holy water?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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