Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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