YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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